Hot Electric Quicksand #15

Just got an Ease Cushion to use on my wound, along with a Trucker’s Seat; both employ alternating air cells, which add and release pressure in constant patterns. The makers claim it really helps with pressure sores, and I was convinced to buy the system after talking to a guy here locally who uses one and cured himself of a stage 4 in only a few months. I’m stage 3, deep as hell, but have got to get this wound healed. Ease Cushion, coincidentally, is right up the road in Paradise.

This is not (yet) an endorsement (anyone with any experience with this cushion, please feel free to comment); if things heal up, you damn well better believe I’ll sing their praises, but for now, at least I’m getting some circulation into the area.

Still not feeling well; feverish and achy, tired, not mentally crisp. MRSA is stalled for now, but it’s the wound that I think is really kicking me.
~
Despite being still sick and limp, I was in SF this weekend for the Niners game (don’t ask), some awesome North Beach Italian food, and to drop in on an SCI peer group in the east bay. They’d asked me to come down, and I was about to decline but Pia said, “I need to go to SF, and that group always was lively and fun; let’s go.”

Yes, ma’am, we go.

After my speech on recent stem cell advancements and what’s at stake next year politically, they opened up the floor for some a free forum/anything goes discussions. Nobody really gave a shit about future possibilities, everybody pretty bleak, but talk soon went to relationships, and it really hit the fan when a young couple stood up and described their problems (2 years post, he’s C-4/5 complete):

Heather’s vibrant, young, intelligent, ambitious, and beautiful; Steven’s dependent, frightened, and passive, and they weren’t really doing well before the injury (skydiving) and now she blames him for “destroying my future” (not theirs, but hers). She has struck him several times, left him in bed for hours without food, drink or his chair, and then 2 weeks ago, out of the blue, she brought over a male ‘friend’ for Steven to meet.

Yep, another man, and in this case (wow, it all spilled out in the meeting, every sordid detail, Steven just dying in front of us), a lover whom she’d been ‘seeing’ since July, but felt now was the time to reveal him.

You may all scream ‘abuser!’ but hold off for a moment.

She was unapologetic for hitting and neglecting Steven, “You should hear what he says to me,” and had finally had enough, she said; her bringing over her ‘friend’ was not cruel, she simply wanted Steven to meet, “the man I want to spend time with, a normal man who can walk with me in the park, hold my hand, and put a leg over me after making love.”

‘After making love’; you could see Steven just collapse after that one…

She asked for his permission to continue seeing the lover, and promised she would continue to be his caregiver, she wouldn’t divorce him (no kids, thankfully) but that she had come to realize that the only thing that would allow her to continue in her role as wife and caregiver was to “have relationships far from home.” She said, right in front of all of us, that “Steven agreed to come here and let our story out and then publicly agree or disagree to my proposal.”

Practical, but harsh. Poor slob; gorgeous wife, hungry to taste all she’s missing, and here’s this once-strong, good-looking guy dripping sideways in his chair, physically miserable, crying constantly, and forced to make a huge decision… right now, and in front of his friends.

I’m not sure we can judge her as cruel, or far-seeing; maybe just selfish. Certainly she isn’t willing to wait it out, but can she be judged for becoming pro-active and wanting to forge some solution that works for all? Was she cruel to just bam! introduce the dude with no warmup? Is Heather wrong to seek a continuance of her life, despite her suffering husband? Should she just pack away her dreams, desires and emotions and force herself to be content at Steven’s listless, quadriplegic side?

And what did Steve eventually say?

Once she’d finished with her speech, pretty well rehearsed it seemed, the room went silent, Steven just gushed tears, everybody waiting for his ‘answer’. Geez, did my heart -and imagination- ache for the guy; I knew that whatever he decided would end up being agonizing: chain her to him, “No, you can’t fuck other men, you’re my wife and you’d better honor our vows, forever!” or set her free, “You can see whomever, just be discreet and stay by my side through it all,” or maybe, “Get the fuck out, slut, I’ll fend for myself!”

Pia was with me through the event, and whispered as we waited for Steven to calm down, “Whatever he does, he will end up losing her; she’ll eventually break free if he can’t give her freedom, or when she meets the right guy, they’ll find a way to put him in a home then go off on their lives.”

Steven, who must have read my wife’s mind, finally said this:

“Either way, I lose the love of my life. I can’t make her stay with me and make her life terrible, but I can’t just say, ‘Go honey and start dating’. I’m so afraid she’ll leave me if I say ‘no’, but I just know it’ll kill me if I say ‘yes’.”

He sat there crying, then his wife cut in, “You said you’d decided!”

He kept crying but said, “Yeah, you can start dating, just don’t put in in my face,” and then turned away and left the room, his startled wife slowly following.

It was so intense, nobody was breathing, and then after the door closed, a psychologist running after them, the room erupted. Pia quickly said, “We’re outta here,” and we slipped out.

Friends, I am not saying Steven and his wife made the right decision; that’ll unfold over time, but she found a way to stay in the relationship and continue to caregive. Maybe separation and time to be by themselves for awhile is a better solution, so they learn the value of one another while knocking off the mutually-abusive behavior; maybe Steven placed in a different caregiving setting (he claims he can’t do this, but I don’t think he’s even trying); or, the 3rd option, allowing his wife to begin a life beyond their home, freeing her to explore all she’s missing.

This situation is one many SCI married and unmarried couples face, and in my view, it’s the hardest aspect of post-SCI life with a spouse. I do not believe in chaining someone to a plegic’s side, no matter the why’s and wherefores, if they are unwilling to be there. Yes, perhaps in time, Heather will realize he’s a good man and their love and life can continue, but for now, it appears her cup of frustration has run overboard, and she ain’t sitting still.

What’s my take?

“Free her up, Steven, then suck it up and find ways to become more independent. She needs to see you doing that, not sitting about whining about your plight. Yeah, it’s gonna crush you, knowing she’s with another man, but you’ll end up stronger…later, however, for right now, the suffering a man experiences when his woman has sex with another man… is suffocating, and endless…”
~
(Note: My book, ‘Scouring the globe for a cure: a disabled man’s experiences with stem cell treatment’
can be purchased at the following Web address:
www.booklocker.com/books/2857.html)